Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul