I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?