did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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