My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.