thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.