get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
23 People Reveal The Worst Culture Shock They’ve Ever Experienced While Traveling
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?