my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.