So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
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I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
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I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?