watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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