Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
