Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Randomize
