she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
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Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
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Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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