well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
