I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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