Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
