update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
