Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
