I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
