you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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