Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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