i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I just googled if crying burns calories
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
