i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
