White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
