Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
