she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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