I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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