I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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