the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
