Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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