I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
