my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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