i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
