my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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