Plan B is the new Plan A
this beer tastes like vomit already
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
