I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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