Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
This baby is an asshole
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
