Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
