and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
