Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
