Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
