When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
