I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
