How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
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The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
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She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
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