dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
