I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
