My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
