we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
