my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
