Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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