I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
