"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
