no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
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