You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
