It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
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After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
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I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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