it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
