sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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