So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
