My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
