Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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