She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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