3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
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