The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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