Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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