When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
