Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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