I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
